Judy’s email has been bothering me all day. Well, really it isn’t Judy’s email, but rather my response that got me all tangled up.
Judy invited everyone over to her house on Sunday to visit everyone and The Kid. I sorta hemmed and hawed an email saying that I couldn’t make it. When I sent it, I instantly knew that something was wrong. I thought about it for awhile, and finally figured it out – I was avoiding visiting her. (Sorry Judy.) The reason? It’s not cause I don’t like kids or Judy or P’ng, but rather it reminds me way too much of the life that I could have had with Jocelyn. I don’t mean having a kid with Jocelyn, but somehow Judy and P’ng would’ve been a larger part of my life had we walked down that path. (Judy and Jocelyn are best friends from med school.) Having KX has somehow brought that “whatif” into sharper focus … and it hurts.
It’s no surprise that blogs are divided along familial lines and it’s no accident either. And in a way I don’t feel like I belong anymore at Judy’s and so I avoid it. It’s not to say that I don’t feel welcome – I do. Judy and P’ng always have legendary potlucks and dinner parties. In fact, I want to belong – desparately in fact, and I feel that I would, if I had someone.
And here is where I get into the general married vs single people divide. That feeling of not belonging just doesn’t apply at Judy’s, there’s more general unbelonging with married people. I joke a lot about that recently, but maybe it’s true that every joke has a thread of truth. It comes down to the fact that my path to find someone no longer lies thru my married friends. So, my goal of finding someone is at odds with hanging out with the marrieds. And, I can’t shake this unsettling feeling when I do hang out with couples. Inevitably, I think my hang out time with Judy & P’ng, Choon & PS, Shwe & Xin, Lynn & Jack, Arif & Tahera will have to decrease. It has to in a way. I wish it wasn’t the case, but I’m not sure there’s much choice anymore…. I think Choon could see this one coming from a mile out and I think he’s resigned to the fact that I’m probably not going to hang out with him as much anymore. Honestly, he understands.
On the flip side, I know I’ll miss out on a lot of things turning down married events. People and friendships grow apart when they aren’t kept up to date. Is that the price that has to be paid? It seems like it and I don’t like it. I wish I had more single friends in their mid to late 30’s. I’d be kinda curious to hear their take on this. Is this a classic battle? (Probably.) Is divergence of singles and marrieds inevitable? (Not entirely sold that it is.) Am I crazy? (Most definitely.)