I made my appointment for my mammogram for next Monday. I hesitated. I procrastinated. This is why one needs good friends – ones who nudge you ever so slightly in the direction you know you should go in. Towards 3D advanced imaging which may lead to unknowably perhaps unnecessary treatment which will line the pockets of the medical industrial complex or to really save my life. Spouses are in no position to make you do things that you are hesitant to do because generally once one’s spouse tells you to do the thing that you already don’t want to do, you don’t want to do it even more.
I read an essay about menopause. I like this line: You haven’t even begun. You must pause first, the way one must always pause before a great endeavor, if only to take a good breath. I’m not sure this is true. Somedays I feel like I if I get to live to my expected age that it will certainly be enough and I will feel lucky, that I will have had my chance and I did with it what I could. And some days I think, it is not enough time at all. I will not be able to see/do all the things I want to see/do. Already things that have not been done which are becoming clearer and clearer are not going to be done are being crossed off the list at an alarming rate.
I should listen to Kristen Scott Thomas (I’ve been binge watching Fleabag, slightly depressing, but entertaining enough. I have too much time on my hands) :