Sorry! I didn’t mean to leave my four readers hanging there. I’m much, much better than I was last week. I’m in the middle of 4 days off which is such a luxury for me. I have six shifts (two weeks) left until I’m no longer full time. After six shifts, I’m going to take five days off and then go to a shifting schedule for the next six week schedule – two days on and four days off which is about 3/4 time. This’ll give me enough time to rest between blocks of shifts and for me to have some momentum at my desk job. None of this one day on one day off two days on two days off, etc. Before the pandemic, I worked only once a week because I was constantly scheduling around Jeremy’s travel and the kids’ schedules, but now no one is going anywhere, and weekdays and weekends have no meaning, so I can do an odd six-day repeating schedule which makes no sense in the “normal” world.
It is National Nurses Week. When I was younger and maybe even pre-pandemic, I always wanted to be famous in some way. Not like Cardi B famous, but like a famous scientist or an important CEO or something like that. Famous for being smart. Hmmm, can I think of a woman example? Oh, like Samantha Powers (I got three quarters of the way through that book before I had to return it to the library). I’ve spent a long time lamenting that I didn’t Lean In like Sheryl Sandberg. Jeremy always assured me that I could have done it, and I probably could have, but it would have been against my true nature, a canoe rowing upstream – it can be done, but it’s hard work all the time. I do not like meetings, I don’t like telling people what to do, I hate long-term strategies maximizing profit/fame/branding, I hate cultivating relationships – networking, I hate powerpoint, I hate travel. I knew my true nature fit well with nursing. But, I’ve always felt like I had failed at my first so-called dream. I mean, I had mentors from both college and grad school write me nursing school recommendations eight years ago and then they both were like – really? why of all things do you want to be a nurse? (But then at least one of them reconsidered and said he was grateful for nurses in the care of his dying mother). I like nursing because I meet a lot of people I normally wouldn’t meet. I can make almost anyone like me for at least 12 hours and I can like almost anyone for the same amount of time, I have a calming low-drama nature, I like having a list of complicated things to do and then checking them off and then never thinking about them again, I like science & medicine, I like feeling helpful in a way that is very concrete and instantaneous. I like that I can find a job anywhere there are people – that I’m not tied to a factory, company headquarters or institution. Now that there is a pandemic and I’ve spent time taking care of covid patients and it’s nurses week, I feel entirely grateful for being “famous” in this particular way. And I see how my old way of thinking about being “famous” is against my true nature as well. I love a collective fame! I don’t want an individual fame. Look, NYC painted a whole side of a building for nurses:
And then Brad Pitt said thank you on SNL:
I’m so proud of all the people I went to school with & all my co-workers and all the nurses everywhere doing their thing. I’m proud of myself because even though I am scared shitless (less so now, but 4 weeks ago, I was terrified), I’m still going to work.