Why you should pick me as a roommate in quarantine.

  • I’m low conflict.
  • I will do laundry.
  • I cook mediocrely.
  • I will bleach anyone’s hair.
  • Jeremy complained that I left the refrigerator door opened too long yesterday. Instead of being annoyed (which I was), I replied, I realize that is a reasonable request. I will try to do it in the future.
  • I am quiet.
  • I will defer to you in video choices.
  • Though I will also offer up suggestions when no one has any which will be turned down promptly.
  • I will FaceTime your family members.
  • I will FaceTime my family members.
  • I tiptoe through the house not making much noise.
  • I will not talk about the pandemic if you don’t want to. I will talk about the pandemic if you want to.
  • I, incredibly, have two steady jobs.
  • I will support people with my two steady jobs that no longer have steady jobs.
  • I will not freak out.
  • I will not make you do anything.
  • I will maintain a semblance of a schedule.
  • I make Dutch Babies.
  • I will attempt to do TikTok dances to amuse everyone.
  • I can cut hair.
  • Sometimes I open the window in my home office so I can hear the three kids next door screaming on their trampoline.
  • I watch deer outside my window.
  • I refuse to buy extra snacks to keep in the house.
  • I do not yell.
  • I do not curse.
  • Maybe I’m boring? Do you want a boring roommate? Maybe not.
  • I will spend a long time making face masks.
  • I will spend too long reading an MIT listserv list in utter disbelief that even smart-on-paper people are idiots.
  • I like to go scrounging in the pantry to use up old ingredients.
  • I like to find things and repurpose them.
  • I don’t drink coffee, so there is more for you.
  • I would love for you to talk as long as you’d like, if you’d take no offense to me falling asleep to your voice.
  • I have a lot of sweatshirts you can borrow.
  • I am needy only once a day. That is the frequency at which I will ask – are you sure you still like me?

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