I’ve been working, working on my mental state. I think it’s mostly my depression creeping back and me not recognizing it and managing it well. In the past, I’ve taken SSRI meds for it (though not now and not for the past 15 years or so) and done CBT and all the regular things – sleeping enough, exercising enough, friends, goals, etc. Maybe I’m slipping on the goals? I do think turning 50 was a big deal – watching the ascension of our children (in-general, not just mine). I am scared! Like how to take care of Edda, our parents, what if I lose Jeremy in a bike accident or whatever? How will I manage? I also believe that there are still big goals out there to find and to do – I don’t want to give up on that.

Anyways, I want to mute the general anxiety I feel – like that rushing, rushing feeling like things won’t get done on time or that I’m doing things wrong. These are feelings that I don’t believe intellectually – I’ve always managed to “do things” and I don’t really believe there is a “right” way of doing many things – often it’s a judgement call and you’ll just need to judge and be at peace with it. I tend to gravitate towards planning, organizing, time-blocking, bullet journaling, but I think it’s aggravating the anxiety. I spent the weekend looking towards meditation to help me, it’s one of the last things that lots of people recommend, but I’ve always scoffed at. But I honestly have too many anxious thoughts in my mind or I’m too reactive in my emotions and it is sometimes like I’m trying to run a chariot with horses running all over the place that I have no control over. So I’ll try. We’ll see.

Something that I’m already disappointed in in the meditation space is the excitement over drug-assisted meditations. LSD, mushrooms, microdosing – etc. We had a long discussion with our friends over an evening about these things and all the podcasts/subreddits are full of people doing this stuff. I’m not interested in any of that. I’m interested in sitting on a pillow and breathing and seeing what happens.

The cat and Jeremy like to shower together.

3 thoughts on “Meditation.”

  1. There’s a series on Netflix right now called “How to Change Your Mind” and it’s all about using psychedelics for treatment of mental illness. I was so annoyed with it. I hope that more scientific research goes into it and that if it can help people it does, but there’s nothing more annoying than people talking about their trips! Good luck to you in figuring out how to take care of yourself in the best way possible – it’s not always easy!

  2. First, if any of those things did happen what you need to realize is you are not alone. While I cannot speak for others in your family and circle of friends, at the same time I think I can.

    Just like me, every single one of them from Emy to Kiki to Vince to your Rhett community of moms all of have your back and will be there for you. So do remember that first and foremost. You are not alone.

    Second, meditation is a good start but it isn’t easy. If it was everyone would do it and Cheetohead wouldn’t be such an ass. If I can locate it I will find an article by Sparrow in The Sun magazine about meditation.

    Humor is the key to everything. Well, my meditation has been pushing my POffe’d button lately a lot! I made a pact with myself to listen to Mary Gauthier song “Mercy Now” every day and do my old lady sun salutations for the entire song. What a dumb idea! How do musicians do it!! How does Bob play the same piece of music over and over and over and over again??? I won’t even get started on “Stairway to Heaven” or “Freeboard”. But that is my meditation and by the time I’m done I do feel more grounded which is such a dorky word but it’s all I can come up with to describe my practice. But as Sparrow says, sometimes meditation is just staring out a window for 2-3 minutes or into the fridge for the same amount of time. It’s the effort that is the practice. Not the doing.

    Lastly, that cat is very strange. What cat likes to take a shower! I think you should film the cat and Jeremy and send it in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

    Again, go for the humor my sweet Doris it’s what helps the most on those tough days, at least for me. But laughter has been shown to be able to change the endorphins and that really all those microdosers are trying to do. Love ya!

  3. I am so sorry the anxiety is ramping up right now. That rushing rushing feeling and fear of what ifs is so familiar and I hope this period passes quickly.

    I do think that Jeremy and the cat showering together is hilarious.

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