I’ve been working, working on my mental state. I think it’s mostly my depression creeping back and me not recognizing it and managing it well. In the past, I’ve taken SSRI meds for it (though not now and not for the past 15 years or so) and done CBT and all the regular things – sleeping enough, exercising enough, friends, goals, etc. Maybe I’m slipping on the goals? I do think turning 50 was a big deal – watching the ascension of our children (in-general, not just mine). I am scared! Like how to take care of Edda, our parents, what if I lose Jeremy in a bike accident or whatever? How will I manage? I also believe that there are still big goals out there to find and to do – I don’t want to give up on that.
Anyways, I want to mute the general anxiety I feel – like that rushing, rushing feeling like things won’t get done on time or that I’m doing things wrong. These are feelings that I don’t believe intellectually – I’ve always managed to “do things” and I don’t really believe there is a “right” way of doing many things – often it’s a judgement call and you’ll just need to judge and be at peace with it. I tend to gravitate towards planning, organizing, time-blocking, bullet journaling, but I think it’s aggravating the anxiety. I spent the weekend looking towards meditation to help me, it’s one of the last things that lots of people recommend, but I’ve always scoffed at. But I honestly have too many anxious thoughts in my mind or I’m too reactive in my emotions and it is sometimes like I’m trying to run a chariot with horses running all over the place that I have no control over. So I’ll try. We’ll see.
Something that I’m already disappointed in in the meditation space is the excitement over drug-assisted meditations. LSD, mushrooms, microdosing – etc. We had a long discussion with our friends over an evening about these things and all the podcasts/subreddits are full of people doing this stuff. I’m not interested in any of that. I’m interested in sitting on a pillow and breathing and seeing what happens.
The cat and Jeremy like to shower together.