I’ve always been a pessimist. I like to think that bad things will always befall me. The cute guy won’t like me, no one will hire me, no one wants to call me, that test result will come back positive or negative (depending on, you know, whether you want to be pregnant or not pregnant).
These days, I’m really trying to learn to be an optimist. So everyday, I get up and I tell myself that I have to take Ruby for a run because she has to poop and I don’t want her to poop in the house and I have to take her around the neighborhood anyways so I might as well put on some running shoes instead of some flip flops and walk for a while and then run for a while and then go back to walking. Then I come home and take a shower and I try to convince myself of a few things:
1. Edda will someday be able to read and communicate in some way so she can tell me anything that she’s thinking and that she will find friends who aren’t her parents/teachers/therapists. (Actually, the second part might be true already).
2. I will find a job which is interesting, uses my talent (whatever those are) in good ways, allows me to meet people who are smart, funny and good at their jobs. The organization I work for will have some redeeming quality (for example, perhaps I should not work for a company that makes weaponry even though I think I would be pretty good at it.) and will have at least 1 person in a position of responsibility who I believe in and respect.
3. That Jeremy find a job that meets whatever requirements he has.
4. That Vince will not put up such a battle at mealtimes. One would think that since Edda can’t use her hands to feed herself, she’d be the hard one at mealtimes, but often she opens her mouth wide for every spoonful like a baby bird and Vince squirms and refuses to eat anything except white rice.
5. That someday I will not feel awkward at parties.
6. That we will all be happy and healthy together – forever.
Today we went to Edda’s school for the fall to meet her teachers. This was the school that all of Edda’s private therapists recommended. It’s the only private school that has been approved by the county for preschool kids. So apparently it’s kind of hard to get into, but we didn’t have a problem and I was pleased at the IEP when the school committee readily agreed to this placement.
But I was bummed today, because they want to start all the way back to real object choices because perhaps she doesn’t understand an abstract picture represents a real object. Edda had been pointing out body parts and colors and transportation in Singapore, but she had this special rapport with our beloved Ranjit, who, as I watched, could get Edda to respond in ways that neither Jeremy or I have ever been able to replicate. How am I suppose to convince anyone else of Edda’s abilities?
Oranges are out of season and Edda’s poops have turned into golf balls. It’s pretty much like giving birth, quite painful, takes a long lead time, and then finally, a pop! and out it comes. Finally, we had to break down and go to the expensive market (Whole Foods) and buy the super-duper oranges, she ate three today, hopefully the poops will go back to normal.
Hrm… some thoughts.
Since I like low hanging fruit, I think #5 is the easiest thing on your list. You think you’re such an introvert, but you’re fine. You just need to go to more parties. 😛
#6 I think you have the least control over. At least I don’t like the “forever” and “Healthy” part of it. To me weddings can be a downer, because everyone says I’ll promise to love you thru everything. But is that really true? How do they know? Nobody knows what the future will bring, so how can people promise this stuff?
sorry maybe that last one was bit of a downer. Sorry i was trying to be more upbeat. ah well.
You know, I might be turning into a dog person – or at least I don’t think that they are half bad.
You know you are talking with another Rett mom when we can discuss our daughter’s poop! But I feel your pain…or Edda’s. I wanted to cry along with Brooklyn tonight as she struggled. We are thinking about Miralax, I have never tried it.
I do not know you personally so I can’t comment on most of your post but you and your blog are a HUGE help to me, I hope maybe that can be an encouragement to you tonight.
Hrm. Maybe my comment post wasn’t exactly what I wanted to say…
I think I’ve said this before, but you and Jeremy and the kids are basically my model of what a family should be. So in my eyes, you guys are doing wonderfully.
Doris- You know what? You are such an inspiration to me whether you want to be or meant to be. If I got to choose someone to take with me on a desert island you would be right up there at the top of my list. No kidding. I love to be around you so much. You like to laugh and you go with the flow which is such a great quality. It is so easy to be around you. Your kindness is beyond description. But I always feel good when you are in the room. I only wish there were more people like you in the world. I met a guy yesterday who has everything, great health, a good job, family, etc. and all he did was whine about not being able to find the right girl. He went on and on about his motorcyle being a hassle to fix and the airlines screwing things up and I was so bored listening to him. I could not get away fast enough. Incredibly self-indulgent. I kept thinking to myself “Dude, get a life, you’re so self absorbed. Look around you and just see how good you have it”. But I held my tonugue like the gracious southern lady my gradmother would have wanted me to be. It was so hard. Then I read your blog and thought about how much of a right you have to feel sorry for yourself and be self-indulgent. But you do not choose to live that way. I’m sure you have your moments but they sure don’t come across to me. Your heart is hurting because your little girl is in pain and your son is trying to adjust. That just proves what I already know and that is that you are a fantastic mother and one of the most kind and loving and compassionate people I have ever met.
Doris, I second what everyone else has posted. You are a wonderful person to be around. Ever since we were kids, you’ve always been very pleasant and kind. You are so natural and patient with Edda that you make it look easy.
Edda is a lovely girl. I think she is one of those lucky people who is born happy. So I am certain she will continue to be so.
It is hard not to think about the future and what detours it may bring. But I think expectation is what makes us anxious and a little nutty.
Okay, enough sentamentality 😉 Let me know when you guys want to come into town for a swim or doggie playdate!