I’m in a passionate love affair with our dog. Even Jeremy notices that for whatever reason, I just love and adore Elka. I know you aren’t supposed to have a favorite child, but I’ve not ever been so head over heels about an animal before. Elka is not the easiest of all the dogs that we’ve had, nor is she the cleverest, but somehow, she has stolen my heart. I think I’ve easily kissed her more in the past year than I have my husband. I will walk by her and lift her snout to my lips and kiss her 17 times in a row until she reciprocates by licking my lips with her tongue (even though I know she’s recently eaten poop (deer, rabbit, squirrel, other dogs, perhaps a cat) or a rotting mouse carcass) and then I will proceed on with my day. Sometimes I will do this in bed with Elka tucked between Jeremy and me and I’ll shower Elka with kisses and then I will feel bad and scoot over and lift Jeremy’s face to my lips and shower him with the same number of kisses on his snout (nose). And then Jeremy will laugh. I take Elka to the country club dog park and ignore the other human patrons and just watch her run and wrestle and live out her doggie dreams. There is nothing more beautiful that watching her extend her body fully in a straight out sprint full of joy with her doggie friends – her mutt background mixing with all those doodles – golden doodle, lab doodle, irish doodle, bernese doodle – OMG those doodle mixes have no end – and don’t forget about the frenchies. It’s either doodles or frenchies. lol. I know she loves me, but I still think she prefers Jeremy. I think I love her because I want to be like her – relaxed, loves everyone, forgets to pee/poop because she’s too busy playing always full of joy for life. She does have her faults – she’ll forever pee/poop in the house because she doesn’t really care about keeping her living area clean (though no accidents since the Pipster moved out just because it’s easier to keep track of only one dog’s comings/goings), and she destroys things like Uggs or remote controls – but we all have our faults I suppose.
This is the big house renovation weekend – we are moving furniture and ripping out carpet ahead of our big wood floor install next week. In honor of that, I patched my work pants which had a big rip in the knee. I know people love the ripped knee, but it just feels cold to me.
I’m feeling a lot better these days, laughing more and yelling not at all. The Effexor seems to have a short half life, so I wake up grumpy and sad and then I take the med and things seem brighter and more manageable for most of the rest of day. After the initial couple of doses of the med where I felt almost euphoric for a weekend, it has settled down. I’m mostly happy with it, I don’t think I’ll change it to Lexapro, my previous med, because it’s doing the main thing I wanted it to do which was to control the daily rage I was feeling.
My doctor mentioned that federal workers get some therapy sessions through work. It turns out that I get six free sessions and I don’t even have to take time off to go to them, I get 6 hours of time to go to the sessions and there was availability within two days of calling, so I went to a federal building in Rockville to meet with a social worker – I’m doing the first two sessions in person and then, I think, I’ll switch the last four to virtual – though I think you lose something when it’s virtual. I’ll see. It’s not too far from the house, maybe I should just go to them to get out of the house. I dislike therapy because I feel like I’ve spend a lot of time thinking about my emotional states and listen/read to lots of psychology things (cognitive behaviour therapy and other various approaches to negative thinking)- so basically I think I’m pretty self-aware – so when things are going smoothly, I’m pretty unflappable. And I’ve not been on meds for the past decade or so! Very proud of myself. And I worked through many, many things when I was younger and depressed – like wanting other people to change, wanting things to be “perfect”, jealousy, caring about what other people think, being anxious about things not going “correctly”, etc. I feel like I’ve put all these things to bed and when I’m well, these are all fine and I have no trouble with it – I’m even keeled and generally roll with it all. But when things are not going smoothly, all the tools I have psychologically tend to fail me – and trust me, I try because I really don’t want to take the meds. Therapy – at least starting out – tends to rehash all these exercises that I’ve done for a long time. But I’m open to it, I’ll try. (Also, sometimes I think talking about things too much tends to focus one’s attention to it when it’s better to, as Elsa says, let it go.). That’s all therapy is, to remind you over and over again to just – let it go, let it go and don’t hang on too tightly.
When I fall into these tight, constricted holes, I tend to think my behaviour during these moments are my “true” self and that when I get onto my meds, I’m my medicated “fake” self. And that my “true” self is an angry, selfish, sad sack of a person. Jeremy was like – no no no, when you are angry every eight hours or can’t stop crying or can’t get out of bed, that’s you in the grips of a mental illness – not your true self and when you control your mental illness with meds, your true self is allowed to come out. Sometimes I don’t even know what is true anymore.
Sofie and I trekked downtown on Sunday to see Into the Woods at the Kennedy Center. As you know, I don’t often leave the house, so it was an adventure! It was the most beautiful of days, so we took the metro to Dupont Circle where there was a farmer’s market with beautiful pastries – we tried the fruit tart and the pear/almond tart – so delicious and then we walked towards the Kennedy Center – stopping in bookstores and a quick bite for lunch near the Foggy Bottom metro center and then finally settling into our seats for the matinee showing. Sofie has performed in many musicals and has a beautiful singing voice – so it was nice to share this with her. The production was fabulous – the theater was packed with lots of families. I have seen this many times before, but it was fresh and funny and very sweet.
Bob and Katherine flew back from New Mexico on March 1st and Pip’s reunion with them was very, very touching. I think he spent a good 5 minutes licking Kiki’s face. They spent the night here – we had dinner with Louisa and Ginny and her partner Felix and it was nice.
Ivy, the cat, is bolder everyday, this night filching the taziki off of my plate during dinner.
The next day, Jeremy drove them back home to Kimberton where Bob now has a new job (because they fired the other dude on Feb 28th, haha – you better believe we’ve been talking about this for a year at least) – the Director of Development – which means his retirement lasted like 18 months? He’s already holding meetings to try to get raise a $20 million dollar endowment for the place. Jeremy was going to spend the night, but he saw that Bob was already starting to work and Katherine was settled in, so he turned around and headed back to me.
Pip is back in his old spots, barking at things unknown.
We had a nice Sunday. Jeremy went for a long outdoor bike ride which has not happened in a long time. Sunday night dinner was hilarious. xoxo. Here’s to a new week <3.
On Friday, my friend Alex, Pokemon trainer extraordinaire, unexpectedly stopped by to pick up a package erroneously delivered to his old address and he texted if I had a few minutes and I did and he took me to a legendary raid and helped me catch a large green serpent legendary snake-like pokemon. I would have taken Jeremy, but lol, he was *gasp* working and couldn’t be bothered. But I managed to invite Astra – my favorite charge nurse who introduced me to Pokemon Go – and she was at work, but ducked into the bathroom to remote raid with me and Alex. Alex, of course, as he was helping me kept talking about things I don’t understand like – this is good against dragons and ice and has good charge offense and fast defense and I was like uh huh, yeah, OK…like one does when when one is completely bewildered, but is happy to be invited to the game.
Look at this ridiculousness: CamDon1 (Astra), DriveMinivans (me), Roadlesstaken (Alex)
You know what else is ridiculous? I’m so unrelentingly cheerful and happy. This new med took effect very suddenly, I’m adjusting to it. I’m kind of mad that I can’t get mad, so I walk around the house trying to be mad that I’m not mad, but I’m generally smiling and a joy to be around. This is very different from the last time I’ve been on meds when I was very sad but not mad, but whatever. It also like – who am I really? Am I the person who cheerful? Or am I the person who is angry and bitter? I’m afraid that I’m truly the person off meds – angry and bitter. OK, look we are in a crowded restaurant with no masks. Making progress.
On Thursday, it was a gorgeous 80 degree day in Maryland. Seriously, it’s going to be 110 in July, but on Tuesday, I spent a great deal of time outside with a friend on a hike (no photos!), just hiking.
On Wed, I went to see my new primary care doctor – she’s at least 15 years younger than me, replacing my prior primary care doctor who retired. The past six months have been tough for me, I truly thought I broken myself. The worst fell on Jeremy (of course, who else?). I think the only time it was worse was when we were newly-ish married (2001) and I could not get out of bed for a few months and he dragged me everyday on a walk and to play trivial pursuit. So many games of Trivial Pursuit where I sat there crying and unhappy and simply a depression-filled mess. I did go on SSRIs then (it was the worst time convincing me then to take the medication) and did have some therapy and since then, I feel like I managed pretty well. I went off the SSRIs after a year or so and then I’ve gone on them at least twice more, once in Singapore when Edda was diagnosed (2006) and once again circa 2011-2012. But the last 10 years, I’ve been doing so well relatively speaking. No SSRIs, no huge, sustained mood swings, even during the Trump era and the Covid era and even during the beginnings of menopause – the hot flashes the summer of 2019, I was managing pretty well – that is, until I wasn’t. This time, my depression manifested itself in huge feelings of rage and anger – which I did not recognize at first as a different manifestation of my regular mood cycles. I guess starting in September when Edda’s childcare situation was at its worst (she was kicked out of a program for being non-compliant), I started to become angry with my patients and I didn’t want to help them anymore (which honestly, is one of my core personality traits/values, I have had no problem with being helpful in the past) and was one of the reasons I had to leave the job, and then I turned the anger towards Jeremy (poor guy). I think I’ve yelled at him more often in the last 6-8 weeks than I have our entire 24.5 years marriage. It was as if I embodied a completely different person. Where did all the rage come from? Anyways, we both knew that I probably should go on medication again, but because I was so angry, I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t like the medication, I don’t want to take the medication, I resist any suggestion while I’m in the midst of a mood cycle at any hint that maybe I should go back on my meds. Anyways, I have to credit Christine who at one Sunday night dinner – I would tell everyone at the table that I was continuously righteously angry at Jeremy (because I’m right!) and Christine looked at me and smiled and said – there’s something you can take for that. And I said – I KNOW! and then I resolved to not take anything for it, because I was JUST FINE. Anyways, the situation was getting intolerable and so clearly unsustainable, so I finally made an appt to meet the new doc, who is lovely and did not pressure me to take any meds (actually she suggested therapy first (I dislike therapy and have found it much less helpful than medication) and she checked my thyroid which was perfectly fine), but she suggested the lowest dose of Effexor which I started on Friday morning (I have taken Lexapro in the past and was what I was expecting this time, but she suggested Effexor which is sometimes prescribed off label for menopausal symptoms – so two birds/one stone). And I’m not sure if it is the placebo effect or what, but I could feel the unclenching of those terrible thoughts in my mind. Things that would make me angry three days ago did not on Friday. I actually tried to make myself mad by thinking the same things that have pissed me off for months now, and whereas before I could take those thoughts and wind them up and have them tighten ready to release like a coiled snake, on Friday I couldn’t hold them at all, like they were spider webs that my hands would just pass through. Hopefully, this med will take and I won’t have too many side effects, I really would like the old Doris back. On Thursday night, after I had procured the meds, but not yet taken the first dose, I was on a walk with Jeremy and I was like – what if the meds don’t work and I’m really just this angry, bitter person forever? That would be bad. But I think they will work, even if only for a little bit, I’m glad for this break.
Not that I didn’t try everything before hand: exercise, enough sleep, fun activities!, but not too much!, saying yes! or saying no :(. No caffeine – that’s been forever. I can’t manage no sugar, no gluten or no dairy. I did not try weed, magic mushrooms, melatonin, or whatever other supplements people are trying.
The world is a difficult place, but I always want to be able to see the beauty that is there as well.
Jeremy went downtown to his office yesterday! Unbelievable.
He was gone for only about 5 hours. I think Jeremy and I are spending way too much time together. I knew this was going to happen once I quit the nursing job. I’m working on finding an “office” for myself where I can go once a week for a few hours and do something helpful and talk to other people who are not my husband.
Alex, who used to live across the street, is an avid Pokemon player. He’s been trying to get together to do a “lucky trade” because we are now “lucky friends”. Jeremy and are serious players in the sense that we play everyday, but it’s usually as motivation to go on an extra walk (you play best when you are on a walk), but we really don’t understand the rules and pay no attention to which Pokemon do what particular things and which ones are rare or desirable. Honestly, it’s too much to remember. You know, when people quit smoking, they might turn to gum? Or instead of having an eating disorder, you might turn to an exercise disorder? Pokemon Go replaced Instagram/Facebook for me. So I use it when I normally would have turned to social media. I like not knowing that much, because then I can’t get obsessed about catching any particular Pokemon. Anyways, this was the exact text that Alex sent me when he asked if I was home to do a lucky trade:
Do you have a boosted Kartana or a regular Zekrom with fusion bolt you can mirror trade?
Literally, wtf? I have no idea what any of those words mean. I said no and then I thought he wouldn’t show up because he didn’t want any of my lame Pokemon, but he did and scrolled through all mine and marked the “special” ones that I need to keep or evolve and became friends with Jeremy because Jeremy needs friends (in Pokemon, that is).
Our beloved morning bus driver is retiring after 37 years…she might have driven me around to school back in the 80s.
