I spent some time napping yesterday. Elka came an found me and curled up next to me. Jeremy snapped some photos. Classic – my favorite pastime. Pokemon Go running on my phone.
My doggie sleeping next to/on me.
I also spent some time making St. Louis gooey butter cake. I learned about this particular regional dessert from youtube (where else?) and had wanted to make it for a long time, but it does take a long time to make because it’s a yeasted dessert – meaning I make a doughy layer and let it rise for three hours and then I put a seperate topping on it and then bake it for another 35 minutes or so. I was a little worried because I always have trouble with yeast, things never really rise predictably for me. I have had much trouble with challah and focaccia. One of the steps in the recipe called for a 10 minute mixing of the yeasted dough and wait for it to form a ball and pull from the sides of the mixing bowl, but that never happened. It still remained stuck to the bowl after 12 minutes of mixing, so I sighed and credited the yeast curse and just proceeded with the rest of the recipe.
Everyone loved it (so satisfying when people love something you make, especially when it is such a rare occurrence for me) and there is only this one slice left at the end of the night which I saved for after my fasting blood draw and my shingles shot this morning and it was delicious!!
I had a terrible shift on Friday. I had a patient I needed to call a stat team for and it took 2-3 hours of concerted single-focused effort from starting to worry about the patient (who I wasn’t worried about at 8 am) until I had transferred them to another unit and given report to the next nurse. The other 4 patients of mine could not be properly attended to by me during that time – though the charge nurse found cover for me as needed, and therefore, I spent the rest of the shift after the stat team apologizing for my poor service – a worried mother, another pretty sick patient who spent the day throwing up, two patients with delayed discharges and angry ride-givers. Ha ha. At least a certain patient said to me at the end of the shift – I’m sorry I was mean to you all day. Does that count for something? I’m not sure anymore. It’s certainly not thank you so much for your help. The last nursing report, I was kind of fond of my job. This time, I’m less sanguine. It’s Sunday morning and still I haven’t slept well because I can still feel the residual cortisol/adrenaline flowing through me. In the middle of the chaotic shift, I was like – this is enough. I’ve done what I needed to do. And in all honesty, there are some forthcoming expenses that will need to be covered, and my patent job will allow for that as I’ll probably work overtime at that job to cover the expense and that pays twice as much as nursing and no one is going to die on me or be mean to me all day at the same time.
My part-time paycheck came through from the patent job and as it’s just about half a paycheck, I’m determined to not work on the weekends (I know this is weird, but I explained this before as well), so a long walk on Saturday around Clopper Lake. I did a bad thing in which I left a poop bag early in the walk thinking I would backtrack because I thought the loop might be too long and pick it up, but then I realized at the halfway point that I could do(o)-do(o) the loop in the time that I had allotted myself, so I did do(o)-do(o) the loop and didn’t get the bag.
Elka says hi!
Sofie and I went out and did a Target run – just for fun. Nothing to buy, everything to try on. I did not wear a mask in the store and told Sofie that it was a big deal because I’d not done that since March of 2020 and now as I type this, I feel some regret and maybe I should have done it. I’m imagining the little cold germs coming for me. And she looked at me and said – yeah, I know it’s a big deal for you. Sofie is better at the selfie posing compared to me, obvs. It was 70 degrees yesterday. I wore shorts on my walk, we wore shorts and t-shirts to target. The playground was full of kids and adults playing Pokemon Go. I had forgotten it was an event day for Pokemon Go – us PoGo players are a slightly disheveled and introverted bunch of people. It’s kind of cute. And it wasn’t like a normal 70 degree day. We woke up and it was 65 already and it stayed that temperature all day – maybe the humidity varied, but also in a strange way.
Then we went to my parents for dinner. Elka is getting used to going to another house. I’m just worried she will pee on their carpet – she did not! good dog. She also likes to crowd the table. So we put a little mat out and told her to “place” which is suppose to mean that you can do whatever you want as long as all four paws are touching the mat. Elka thought it mean as long as any part of her was touching the mat, she was a-okay. So here she is creeping closer to the table, but still touching the mat. lol.
I told my mom to sit on the couch to get the “full Elka” experience and the doggie complied.
Kristin and I went on a long hike/walk on Thursday morning. Elka came along, but there is no photo of her. We went to the same spot we’ve been to before, but somehow instead of a walk through the woods near a lovely stream, it seemed like we spent the entire time in view of buildings and roads which were not devoid of traffic. We tried to loop around in different directions, but we were unable to find the stream that we’ve walked next to at least 2 or 3 times in the past. Kristin is my sporty friend, a runner, a stand-up paddleboarder and a hiker and also a weekday available friend. I’m going to buy a SUP for myself for Christmas because of the beautiful trip she took me on with a SUP borrowed from her sister and because I want to go with her in the summers to come.
Kristin has a child who goes by they/them pronouns. Vince has a friend who goes by they/them pronouns and I have a few more friends whose kids who go by they/them pronouns. As we are all allies, we try to use they/them pronouns all the time, but because we are old-brained allies, this tends to be harder in practice than we anticipate. So we try, valiantly, to use they/them and we try to self-correct. I was telling Vickey of the story of Vince and his friend who were in a car accident a few weeks ago and she (meaning Vickey) had no problem correcting me whenever I veered into the gendered singular pronoun and it was embarrassing how many times she had to do it. But then you can lose clarity where there are two people – which Kristin and I both acknowledged. For example, – then they went to urgent care. But do you mean they plural (the two of them) or they singular (meaning Vince’s friend?) – so I was constantly backtracking and clarifying and trying to insert more proper nouns into the story. I was trying to think if there were two he/hims in the car accident story, there can also confusion, but I think I’m just used to inserting enough proper nouns at the right time to maintain clarity in the story and I’m not used to the frequency that I need to do that particular proper noun substitution for a singular they/them. Do the kids know how to do that with ease? Probably.
Every once in a while, I come across a photo of a stylish woman and think – huh, maybe I should try to do that? I was enamored enough with this person (jazz prof at UCBerkeley – really, is there any hope I could reach that level of cool? unlikely.) that I texted my sneakerhead friend to ask what shoes she was wearing and he texted immediately back and said converse. I already know that if I bought those sneakers, I would not wear them because of the extra time it would take to actually lace and tie them. The other thing that interested me in this photo was her leather pants. Would I wear leather pants? I think not, only because they seem constricting and hot and only appropriate for photo shoots with the NYT. I’m still wearing a lot of pandemic wear, but I dream of better. Also, I’m not running these days as it’s my off season, but then I don’t know when to shower/change into non-pajama clothes. I also wear a lot of random clothes. I wear lots of gifts that Edda gets because they aren’t quite right for her – I also wear a lot of swag sweatshirts, I have Camp JCC, nursing school, various universities, and goodwill finds. Recently, Jeremy has been buying me clothes, usually without consulting me first and usually at the supermarket – I like these surprises, so those get thrown in there as well. I have one summer outfit that is actually an “outfit” that matches with an unusual color combination and people always comment on it and I enjoy wearing it, so that is the one thing that gives me hope sartorially that maybe I could expand it to more? I dunno.
I’m trying to focus a little more on leisure time while I’m working a little bit less. I know this is weird because, of course, you are working less, so there is, by definition, more leisure time – but I don’t want it to sink into lost time reading the internet or sitting in my pajamas which is really my default mode. So I’m trying to plan (based on this newly released book – Tranquility by Tuesday) a big adventure and a little adventure each week. I feel like the planning/mothering/productivity book genre which I can sometimes focus on both to my benefit and to my detriment is dominated by rich, white women whose jobs are (incredibly) secondary to their husbands (which I acknowledge is pretty much my demographic – I’m mixed on if I’m a POC. It depends on if we are in Rockville/Texas, MIT/Harvard admissions, or nursing (subcategories: med surg vs peds) or unitarian-ing and it’s also up for grabs if my job is secondary to Jeremy. Except for the years I was home with the kids, I’ve always made more money than Jeremy, though I think Jeremy has the more globally influential (higher status) job). Also in that book genre is one white Georgetown professor who has three kids who advocates three hours blocks daily of “deep (uninterrupted) work” – never mentions his wife and/or three kids. What’s up with that?
Anyhow, that was a big digression. My big adventure this week was going axe throwing with Megan. I think I mentioned this adventure to someone else and they heard I was going “ass throwing” which is not what we did, I don’t throw people’s asses. I’d never gone ass throwing and was curious about it and Megan was game to try. We went to Chopt beforehand (Megan had never gone) and then to throw some axes.
It was outdoors, a little chilly and it required more skill than I thought we would need. It felt almost exactly like bowling, the turn taking, the incredible number of times that the ax clattered to the ground, unwilling to stick anywhere in the target (the gutterball equivalent), except for the added danger of a flying axe. haha. We had a good time, laughed a lot and played lots of games/variations on the target and I got a splinter from the axe. It was at the Sandy Spring adventure park, they opened up this new section. I think we would both prefer to spend the money doing the adjacent ropes course which we plan to do next spring together. It’s actually hard to find people who are willing to do this sort of goofy stuff.
We were both nursing arm “injuries”. Megan had gotten her covid shot over the weekend and was still a bit sore in her non-dominant arm. I’ve been nursing a shoulder injury in my dominant arm for 2(!) years now (starting from incredible pain where I couldn’t run for weeks at times because it radiated so much into my torso and made me incredibly worn out- then I had to email Paul – sorry, I didn’t run because my shoulder hurts which was true and strange sounding at the same time) and I had kind of given up on it ever getting better, but in the last 6 months, I’ve been able to do a push up without pain and hallelujah, I’m grateful for that. Now I want to learn to kayak which is all shoulder and I’ve been slowly rehabbing it very gently since I finished the marathon. I could still feel it protest a bit throwing the axe for an hour, but this morning, I’m pleased, the should isn’t too achy. Maybe I can learn to kayak.
We voted today! (Well, we dropped off our ballots yesterday.) Vince is voting in California – hopefully his ballot dropped off today in at a voting center on campus. Vince got to vote on abortion rights, electric vehicle initiatives, music lessons for kiddos. We got to vote on marijuana. And, of course, a bunch of our elected officials. I recently learned my parents do not vote in the mid-terms which was interesting to me because their local elections where they live in Washington state is/was hotly contested and their local votes would have counted for a lot. I actually dislike marching in Washington DC, or posting my views on social media – but I like voting. Not everyone gets to vote, so I consider it a privilege. Now, I do have issues with various vote things – I wish the electoral college was better and I hate the gerrymandering and I also wish for ranked choice voting, but it’s what I got right now.
I feel like life should be getting easier to manage, but I feel like the opposite is happening. I manage to cross something off my to-do list, but then at least two other things crop up. Like yesterday, I sent off my at-home-colonoscopy poop in a box (I’m grateful I don’t have to do the full prep), I voted, I went to a pre-check background check appointment with Edda to save us the time at security at the airport because the last time we travelled with Edda, the security added about 15 minutes to the travel time and I got anxious about making the plane and she needed practically a full body check in/out of the wheelchair arm braces on/off shoes on/off. At the pre-check appt, I realized I needed to get my passport renewed (the kind person doing the fingerprinting mentioned it) and then I just got an email from work saying that they are managing all the retirement accounts differently and I’m going to have to take some time to look at that. The rules are changing faster than I can keep track of. It’s overwhelming to me. Sometimes I think, I’m so competent, like really, really competent. Like if you had a scale of competency, I would rank in the top 10% most likely. I think I’m really good at paperwork and I’m struggling with it all and we (at least the adults) have no incredible health issues and I can’t keep up with all the appointments and paperwork that need to get done all the time. I constantly can’t log into websites because I got a new computer or browser or because I don’t quite understand the incredibly sophisticated password manager that I had to finally start using and pay an annual fee for because every website demands an intricate password that is not copied on any other website and because I need to create a login for everything I want to do! I can’t imagine if you are not good with the language or have some real health issues or are living paycheck to paycheck where every $20 matters a lot or are just, honestly, not as good at managing the paperwork as I am (this is the lamest skill ever, this should not be a skill. Playing the violin or grooming long haired dogs or making delicious cupcakes should be more highly celebrated) or are actually working a lot not at home or not without a ton of flex in your schedule. I used to think that the paperwork at the hospital was crazy, but somehow, it’s spilled over into my own life. A big factor of the dislike of my hospital job is the paperwork. I’m always behind, I am always unsure what needs to be filled out. Even before I see the patient, there are 50 things for each patient that needs to be filled out each shift including depression/suicide screening and whether they are right handed or left handed. Really? Do I need to know that for someone who got their gallbladder removed? I got mad at Jeremy yesterday because he said it was “no big deal”, but it can be invisible to him, all the background stuff I do. He did apologize, lol. I’m wading through all the paperwork for one of Edda’s potential aftercare program – seriously at least 15 forms, 5 of which need doctor signatures. All of them out of date with none of them asking for cell numbers – rather home, work and when is the best time to reach you. Really? I’m filling out forms that haven’t been changed in the last decade. Gah.
All about dogs! Elka and my parents had a meet and greet at their house. I always encourage sitting on the couch to get the “full Elka” experience.
We had Jojo for the weekend (Sofie & Mike were out and about this warm weekend) and here she is snuggling with me on Sunday afternoon where we had a relaxing time and reminisced about our little foursome that is only a twosome now. We sighed and remembered Alice and Maxi.
Sunday night dinner was chicken pot pie and also some doggie cuddling.
It’s Sunday and I’m not running long. Lol. I’m honestly surprised and relieved that this part-time thing at work is soothing my mind. Part time at the office is actually pretty restrictive. When I work full time, I can work anytime I want to and I usually do put in some hours almost every day, weekends included. When I work part time, I can only work the hours I say I’m going to work, so I put no hours on the weekends and, so therefore, I’m not working. It’s a weird feeling. Not working or not thinking about work. The marathon is done, I recovered nicely from it I was sore until about Thursday and now I feel fine. This past weekend has been filled with *nothing* on my to-do list (this is not entirely true, but it feels true). I took a long walk in the woods with Elka about 45 minutes away from the house. It’s been so warm this weekend – in the 70s, I’ve been enjoying the outdoors.
I went to work at the hospital on Friday for the first time since September (!) and in the middle of my shift, I was like – I’m ready to let this go, I’m done with this absolute nonsense (I had been yelled at by a family member for things I had nothing to do that had gone on hours ago before I showed up to my shift and I soothed her kindly with my most soothing-est voice…., I’m so sorry this happened (I was!), I can understand your frustration (I could!), I’m expediting what you desire (fast, fast, fast, etc.), etc, etc.). I can totally not do this anymore. But then by the end of the shift, I’d given hugs to a bunch of coworkers who had recently lost close family members, talked a coworker about possibly renting our downstairs apartment, talked to another coworker about the pros/cons of Children’s Hospital vs CHOP for healthcare for our kiddos, stood arm in arm with another coworker pondering how to give psych meds to a patient who was anxious/agitated/manic, and planned a hike next week with someone else while nudging patients along their medical paths, and then I’m unsure if I can give it up. I’m working one day a week for the next few months (mostly. I’m still taking off the Fridays here and there for the holidays). I’m working 60% at the patent office and 33.3% at the hospital, so that is pretty close to 1 full time job, but still less that 100% one job.
I had a nice long walk with Deb yesterday, she was kind enough to come to the house. Deb was Edda’s OT for many, many years – we’ve been friends since Edda was 3 years old. Our usual gig was eating long lunches at Panera (I loved them, I secretly love Panera), but Deb is still working through learning to eat in restaurants again (I am too. I have eaten in restaurants, but it’s been weird.). Now we are going grey together. She says I’m her young friend, lol.
Elka is still in heat. It’s been interesting – her vulva continues to impress us with its size and turgidity. Haven’t had any boy dogs come running up to her or anything. The internet (which has never known to be wrong) says that a male dog can smell a female dog in heat from over a mile away. That seems….not quite right.
Look how happy I look running this marathon! I think this was at mile 18 or 19. Doesn’t it look that I could run faster? It sure does. Haha. I could not have run faster, I just look like I could have run faster. But it is true that I was having a good time. The more I think about it, the happier I am with this marathon experience. I’m glad I’m not running the NYC marathon this weekend – low of 62 high of 72 and humid. ugh.
I finished this book in our 2-person-book-club (2PBC? TPBC?). I finished it first, which never ever happens. The writing was both beautiful and completely meandering. The author is a poet and the entire book reads as if it were a poem you don’t quite understand, but at the same time, the words are strung together so beautifully and in a unique pattern.
